SNOW, SNOW, HORRIBLE SNOW

As I write this, it's the wee hours of a Saturday morning. I'm in wind-down mode after working a wonderful performance of Handel's Messiah at The John F. Kennedy Center Concert Hall, enjoying a cold beer, watching the warm glow of the Christmas tree lights reflected in the glass and mirrors in the room, and gazing through the window at the snow that started falling shortly before I made the drive home roughly two hours ago. However, if you're reading this and thinking what a delightfully tranquil mood I must be in, you're quite wrong and the reason is, the snow.

As a rule I enjoy a bit of snow, especially this time of year. Who wouldn't like to hear Bing Crosby sing White Christmas while actually seeing it in person for a change? The problem is, this particular snowfall is an official Winter Storm Warning with an approximate accumulation expected of 12 inches, and perhaps more, and I think it's going to be bad. The first warning sign was the trip home. Normally, the trip from the Kennedy Center takes about 10-15 minutes but tonight's trip took thirty minutes, and I passed no less than three auto accidents en route and the snow had barely begun to fall. If this is any indication of what the next 24 hours of expected snowfall means to the Nations Capital, I am in a state of absolute dread.

If you live in one of the more snow-hardened areas of the world you may be wondering what all the fuss is about, but the simple truth is that Washington DC and snow simply do not mix. There isn't the amount of equipment and manpower in place to keep the area moving if there is more than a snowfall of say, five inches or more, and even that small amount can bring the city to it's knees. Add to that the constant minute-by-minute coverage from the television finger-to-the-wind boys warning us of all the hazards of driving in snowy conditions, and you have a sense of city-wide panic probably not felt since that of Grover's Mill, New Jersey when they thought the War of the Worlds radio broadcast was real....

It is now twelve hours later, and I'm gazing through the same window, watching what should be the lovely sight of gently blanketing snow, but I can't, because I'm watching the local 24-hour news channel feed me live coverage of cars getting stuck on the major highways, walk-by citizens being interviewed on camera saying how unsafe it is to be out at all (so why are you, then?), and updates on how much more snow is expected to accumulate before we can all breathe a sigh of relief and sort out how to dig ourselves out of this mess. Again, if you're not from this area, you haven't experienced the pain of watching "cowboy" snowplows making a quick buck piling six feet of snow behind your car or worse for people living in DC proper, waiting four or more days for City services to come plow the side streets...

It's now Sunday evening and I'm happy to say that, with the help of two very nice gentlemen who took pity on me, I was able to dig my car out from under the expected six feet of snow piled behind my car by the "cowboy" snowplow, but since the men only showed up at the end of the two and a half-hour chore, I'm still taking credit for all the major shoveling. So, at least I know I'm mobile again but the next worry is how to deal with the Monday morning commute surrounded by people who have absolutely no conception of how to drive when there is a bit of hardened moisture on the road. It's not terribly difficult; maintain a steady speed, keep a safe distance, put your cell phone down, wait until you get to the office to apply your make-up, and just drive the car.

All this snow should be a pleasant experience, but unlike the Hollywood depictions of snowfall in films such as in White Christmas it simply isn't, at least not in this region. The one crumb of satisfaction I have is courtesy of Chicago-based, snow veteran President Obama; last year DC schools were closed because of a four inch accumulation of snow, and he stated on record he couldn't understand why. I remember having a chuckle and thinking, "don't worry, you will".

I think he may understand now.

WANTED: ONE REAL VACATION

According to the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, a vacation is simply defined as "a holiday" (they're British, after all), but it's clear that whoever wrote that entry didn't spend last week's "holiday" with me.

With the economy in it's uncertain state, I wouldn't expect to be able to take a proper vacation (for instance something involving travel, excitement, fun, romance or having a nice meal that doesn't arrive at the table immediately following the "ding" of a microwave); it just would have been nice if I didn't have to do any sort of work. I don't mean "from the office" type work, I'm referring to the personal things needing done that those of us who have jobs simply can't get taken care of when working 8am-5pm Monday thru Friday. Combine a full work schedule with a boss who thinks that, other than himself, nobody has any errands to attend to, and you have the vacation I enjoyed last week. Had I bothered to write down a schedule in advance, it would have looked like this:

MONDAY

0800-1200 - plumber due to arrive, watch trash television to kill the time

1200-1400 - still waiting for plumber, watch "daytime drama" to kill the time

1500 1530 - plumber arrives but is missing a part; goes to hardware store to purchase

1700 - plumber completes work

TUESDAY

1000 -appointment with veterinarian

1030 - still waiting for veterinarian

1115-1145 - veterinarian's appointment complete. Wait to pay for appointment and three doggie prescriptions.

1200-1215 - light lunch al fresco (read: quarter-pound Big Bite hot dog in the car on the drive home)

1400-1630 - retrieve holiday decorations, assemble tree and disentangle lights, watch re-runs of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares to pass the time. Wish Gordon Ramsay would buy me dinner in one of his restaurants.

WEDNESDAY

0800-1700 - Wait for and supervise plasterers, and then painters, sent to repair damages caused by plumber who occupied all of my time Monday. Watch old movies and re-runs of Gordon Ramsay's The F Word to pass the time. Wish Gordon Ramsay would take me away from All of This.

THURSDAY

0800-1300 - engage in marathon house cleaning that can't possibly be done whilst working two jobs, including but not limited to: washing interior and exterior windows and window treatments, shampoo area rugs, keep dog off wet area rugs, wash and wax kitchen and bathroom floors, keep dog off floors until wax dries, sweep and mop hardwood floors, keep dog off damp hardwood floors and finish assembling holiday decorations. Watch old movies and Speed Channel to pass the time. Wish I could drive a Bugatti Veyron at it's top speed away from All of This.

1430-doctor's appointment

1500 - still waiting for doctor

1530-1545 - wait to pay for doctor

1615-1645 - take blood tests and wait to pay for lab work ordered by doctor

FRIDAY

nothing scheduled - go to shopping mall. Decide holiday shopper volume is too much and wish I would have stayed home and shopped on-line. Spend rest of day in deep depression wondering what happened to my vacation.

Now, I'm not exaggerating; this is actually how I spent my vacation, and I have no doubt that when my next one comes 'round in June, I'll be doing many of the same activities that week as well. But who knows, one of these days I may actually take a proper vacation with real travel, glamor and excitement, just like the ones I saw advertised on the television while I was passing the time. If I'm honest though, I doubt it will ever happen. After all, who would run my errands while I'm gone?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, LOVE, THE I.R.S.

Bang on November 1, it started; strange noises emanating from the television set sounding suspiciously like Christmas music. At first I thought I was imagining things because I had just tucked into a piece of leftover Halloween candy, but on setting down the dust rag and taking a peek at the set, there it was, a major retailer reminding me that Christmas is the season for buying.....oops, I meant giving. That's right, Christmas advertising (or "pre-Christmas gift-sellers", if you want to sound like a pro) has already crept its way into our lives.

Now, I really do enjoy the holiday season, but every year it gets longer and longer. I thought it was bad when the selling started after barely digesting Thanksgiving dinner, but now we don't even have time to finish off the pumpkin-shaped marshmallow Peeps none of the kids wanted on October 31. I'm beginning to believe that, in the course of my lifetime, the Christmas season will begin shortly after my birthday in August; it's only a matter of time. Nevertheless, we're stuck with the bombardment of ads until the January "white sales" come around and we will be encouraged to spend even more money we don't have.

On the plus side of this extended holiday season, I got an early Christmas present in the shape of an envelope from the Internal Revenue Service. In as nice a tone as possible, and with as much warmth as the Government could muster, they informed me it's possible I'd made a minor mistake on my '07 tax return, and could they please have the additional $476 I owe them by December 24, thank-you-very-much. I was prepared to meet this governmental onslaught with all the courage and conviction that a woman about to lose $476 could, until I realized that they were right. I had made an error on my '07 tax return, and it was not a minor one. In fact, it was so glaringly obvious I expect to be investigated for tax fraud in the near future.

What surprised me though was just how darned nice the I.R.S. was about the matter. The tone of the notice was almost, dare I say, pleasant. Over the six-page document they explained why I was receiving the notice, what steps I needed to take, what would happen if I didn't respond in a timely manner, and what my payment and dispute options were. They supplied me with the exact information I needed to determine where I was at fault on my original filing, and even told me I may qualify for a discount on the $476 owed based on the information supplied by my financial institution. Christmas came to Huggins House because the information handed me was so thorough that even Donner or Blitzen could have understood it. The parting gift was the name of an actual human being assigned to my case; I did call with a question, and the lady was extremely nice and helpful. She even told me how to save an unnecessary $105 fee by filing paperwork different from what I was planning to file. Happy Holidays, indeed.

So, with holiday-cheerful resignation, I'll pay the taxes owed, but as tempted as I am I don't think I'll be smug and send it to them in a Christmas card to meet their December 24 deadline. In what I can only assume is their best holiday spirit they've been nice this time, but if I irritate them and they discover I've made the same error on my '08 return that exchange may well turn into a July 4 fireworks display.