WANTED: ONE REAL VACATION

According to the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, a vacation is simply defined as "a holiday" (they're British, after all), but it's clear that whoever wrote that entry didn't spend last week's "holiday" with me.

With the economy in it's uncertain state, I wouldn't expect to be able to take a proper vacation (for instance something involving travel, excitement, fun, romance or having a nice meal that doesn't arrive at the table immediately following the "ding" of a microwave); it just would have been nice if I didn't have to do any sort of work. I don't mean "from the office" type work, I'm referring to the personal things needing done that those of us who have jobs simply can't get taken care of when working 8am-5pm Monday thru Friday. Combine a full work schedule with a boss who thinks that, other than himself, nobody has any errands to attend to, and you have the vacation I enjoyed last week. Had I bothered to write down a schedule in advance, it would have looked like this:

MONDAY

0800-1200 - plumber due to arrive, watch trash television to kill the time

1200-1400 - still waiting for plumber, watch "daytime drama" to kill the time

1500 1530 - plumber arrives but is missing a part; goes to hardware store to purchase

1700 - plumber completes work

TUESDAY

1000 -appointment with veterinarian

1030 - still waiting for veterinarian

1115-1145 - veterinarian's appointment complete. Wait to pay for appointment and three doggie prescriptions.

1200-1215 - light lunch al fresco (read: quarter-pound Big Bite hot dog in the car on the drive home)

1400-1630 - retrieve holiday decorations, assemble tree and disentangle lights, watch re-runs of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares to pass the time. Wish Gordon Ramsay would buy me dinner in one of his restaurants.

WEDNESDAY

0800-1700 - Wait for and supervise plasterers, and then painters, sent to repair damages caused by plumber who occupied all of my time Monday. Watch old movies and re-runs of Gordon Ramsay's The F Word to pass the time. Wish Gordon Ramsay would take me away from All of This.

THURSDAY

0800-1300 - engage in marathon house cleaning that can't possibly be done whilst working two jobs, including but not limited to: washing interior and exterior windows and window treatments, shampoo area rugs, keep dog off wet area rugs, wash and wax kitchen and bathroom floors, keep dog off floors until wax dries, sweep and mop hardwood floors, keep dog off damp hardwood floors and finish assembling holiday decorations. Watch old movies and Speed Channel to pass the time. Wish I could drive a Bugatti Veyron at it's top speed away from All of This.

1430-doctor's appointment

1500 - still waiting for doctor

1530-1545 - wait to pay for doctor

1615-1645 - take blood tests and wait to pay for lab work ordered by doctor

FRIDAY

nothing scheduled - go to shopping mall. Decide holiday shopper volume is too much and wish I would have stayed home and shopped on-line. Spend rest of day in deep depression wondering what happened to my vacation.

Now, I'm not exaggerating; this is actually how I spent my vacation, and I have no doubt that when my next one comes 'round in June, I'll be doing many of the same activities that week as well. But who knows, one of these days I may actually take a proper vacation with real travel, glamor and excitement, just like the ones I saw advertised on the television while I was passing the time. If I'm honest though, I doubt it will ever happen. After all, who would run my errands while I'm gone?