PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF

I've never been particularly good at taking what I consider to be unnecessary advice about how to take care of myself, so it's no surprise that I positively dread going for a visit with my physician. But, because I need several "maintenance" medications for a serious medical condition, I endure my twice-yearly visit with him with the sole objective of leaving his office with my pile of refill orders (and a wallet $125.00 lighter).

To his credit, he has no illusions about me as a patient. He knows I smoke, but doesn't lecture me. He knows I enjoy a beer or two (or three...), but he doesn't lecture me. He knows one of the reasons I still see him, even though his office doesn't accept my insurance plan, is so I can continue to receive my prescription refills, and to change to a different physician at this point would probably mean referrals to a costly specialist to determine if the medications are achieving their "optimal effect", and I'm just not having that. When my medications stop achieving their optimal effect, everyone will know because in the event they no longer work I will have shuffled off this mortal coil.

As physicians go, he's a fairly pleasant person. The only time I've gotten a dressing-down from him was when my blood pressure and cholesterol count were found to be abnormally high and he was right to be angry. While some people have to work hard by monitoring diet and exercise to get these things under control, in my case, the conditions are hereditary, and simply taking two tiny pills a day prescribed by him whips my body back into submission in no time. So, I have to conclude that while my physician can tolerate a somewhat irresponsible patient, he simply will not suffer a lazy one.

If I had any doubts about this conclusion, they were silenced today when I told him I had not taken two medical tests he had ordered for me six months ago. His reaction, which to me seemed to be bordering on apoplectic fit, made me realize I'd gone too far and I should just take the tests he ordered and be done with it. The problem is, I simply don't want to take the tests. It's not that they're painful; women have them done every day (there's a clue for you..), but I've adopted the childish stance of "no-I-don't-wanna-and-you-can't-make-me" and he's sitting across the desk saying "oh, yeah"?

At the end of the day I think it boils down to not liking to be told what I should and shouldn't do with my own body. I'm up to hearing advice, but should I have to take it? Can't I as an educated adult be able to make my own decision about what health care I chose to receive as opposed to what my physician tells me is necessary? Morally, I should be able to refuse the medical tests he's insisting on, but, practically, it's not a good idea. Sacrificing the convenient doctor-patient relationship I have with him would be like cutting my nose off to spite my face. And then I'd have to find a brand new doctor to fix it.

METHINKS THE BBC "REVEALS" TOO MUCH

Regular Light Side readers have heard me refer to BBC America from time-to-time, so it will come as no surprise that I'm an avid watcher of this cable channel. I'd like to say I only watch it because of the excellent and extensive coverage on BBC World News America, but the truth is there's a wealth of quality programming on BBC America that we're not likely to see on any American cable channel.

Some examples of excellent programming are dramatic series Robin Hood, Doctor Who, and MI-5, comedies Coupling and Little Britain, talk shows Friday Night With Jonathan Ross and The Graham Norton Show, and reality programs, Top Gear, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (miles ahead of the US-based version) and Last Restaurant Standing and the good news is that, because the BBC replays each episode a ridiculous number of times, you're sure never to miss an episode no matter how hectic your schedule may be.

The bad news is, where there's a yin, there's also a yang, and in the BBC's case that massive yang is called BBC America Reveals. The BBC describes this gem as a "...compelling range of ...documentaries (highlighting) a wide range of social and cultural issues", but they're not fooling anyone; it's basic sensationalism-based television with a British accent and I know this because I've watched a few of the "documentaries" myself. While some of them were of genuine interest (Apollo Wives, The Cocaine Diaries and The Fastest Man on No Legs come to mind), here are some of examples of the more sensational topics on offer in this series: 100 Men Own My Breasts, Fake Baby, 476-Pound Teenager, Transvestite Wives, My Small Breasts and Me, and Should I Smoke Dope? Alright, it's all a bit silly, but there's obviously a market for programming such as this and, on the whole, it's basically harmless.

At least, that's what I thought until I saw one of there more recent offerings, Perfect Private Parts and the premise was to explore (no pun intended) how far women will go to achieve perfection for "a body part that not many people will ever see". The documentary shows heavily pixelated scenes of bikini waxing, women having their woman-parts moulded into clay for comparison with other women's parts, men discussing what they find unattractive about that "region" and we also get to see a woman having actual surgery on that area, under local anesthetic, no less. The most stomach churning scene however was a segment featuring what can only be described as a "support group", where women of varying ages sit in a circle on the floor, private parts fully exposed for inspection by all, while individuals share their feelings about the pain and trauma their vaginas have brought to their lives. As todays youth would say, "WTF?!?!"

Really, a bit of trash television is an acceptable guilty pleasure, but does this kind of expose serve any genuine purpose other than to increase viewership with the tempting prospect of seeing a womans sexual organ? Is this what John Reith, the first General Manager of the BBC envisioned as quality programming for the new network? I don't think it does any service to women other than to cause them to question the state of their own "region", and it certainly did nothing for me except make me wince. There's a reason they're called private parts and the key word is "private". BBC, if you want to educate your viewers in the wonders of nature, stick to what you do best. Give us more documentaries with David Attenborough.

SICK SCORECARD: BODY-1, MIND-0

For me, one of the best opening lines in literature comes from Poe's "The Pit and The Pendulum": I was sick, sick unto death with that long agony, and when they at length unbound me, and I was permitted to sit, I felt that my senses were leaving me. For the purpose of this week's piece though, I'm going to edit that line to say; I am gawd-awfully sick and I know my senses have left me.

On Monday I thought something wasn't quite right, but I chalked it up to fatigue. However on Tuesday, I knew I was in a bad way. That feeling was confirmed when my boss, who has sympathy for no man or woman told me I didn't look well and to my complete shock, suggested I go home for the day as soon as my workload permitted. It is now Thursday, and I'm still sick, at the office, and after a few days of confused thinking have come to the conclusion that we don't fully realize what being sick does to the mind, as well as the body. For example, my normal writing routine is to kick around ideas on Tuesday, begin writing on Wednesday, make changes on Thursday, and publish no later than Saturday evening. But, this week I could have cared less about any of it. By Tuesday I was completely convinced this column was a waste of time and that I was only a hack writer with not an original thought in my head. In addition to this, I was convinced that my house was a mess, my car was worthless, my job was a disaster, my face was ugly, my hair is dangerously thinning, and life as I know it, was no longer worth living.

But after being depressed for just under 72 hours, it all makes sense. I'm sick, and my body wants and needs rest. Unfortunately in our society it seems a person isn't allowed to be ill; our daily schedules and rigid corporate policies simply will not permit it. So, we carry on working, shopping, doing housework, etcetera as if there's nothing wrong and, based on my befuddled thought processes, I don't think my body is sitting still for it. Whether I like it or not, it's telling me, "I don't want you to write, work, cook, shop, do laundry, clean, or any of that nonsense, and to be sure you don't, I'm going to have the brain confuse you so bad that you won't want to do any of it either."

You know what? It's working because I am now certain that while I'm sick anything I write, anything I do or say, or any decision I make is going to be completely wrong. So I think I'll just pack it in, do what my body wants and get some rest, taking comfort in the knowledge that when I'm well, my writing will no longer be garbage, my column isn't a waste of time, my house is gorgeous, my car is tip-top, my job is a dream, I still look good for my age, and life is indeed worth living again. Unfortunately, I'm fairly sure my hair will still be dangerously thinning, but I'll deal with that when I'm feeling better. Stay well, readers.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE BOSS

This morning, the owner of the company where I work assembled the "top brass", meaning his partner, the Senior Construction Site Superintendent and myself, into the board room and rather unceremoniously informed us all that the Company was "screwed" (his word, not mine). According to him, the present economic situation and resulting loss of business means that, unless there's a dramatic turn-around, the Company may go under in as little as four months.

As depressing a prospect as this is though, I can't say I'm surprised. I've been with this employer since the day they opened the door; I've seen them do many things right, but I've also seem them do many things wrong. Over the years, where I thought their judgement was a bit off, I've tried to give my opinion and it has almost always fallen onto deaf ears. Usually, their somewhat patronizing answer was "we have to play 'devils advocate' on this one, Julie", or even worse, "we're not asking for your opinion on this one". Anyone reading this who's spent any small amount of time in business may wonder why I stayed with this employer, but the truth is I've gotten quite comfortable. I learned early on what they will take on board, and when I'm wasting my time, and my salary, while not the highest I've been paid, is enough to cover my expenses and the job itself is not terribly demanding.

Having said all this, there's nothing either myself or the Site Superintendent (who has also tried his level best at coaching Management) can do about this crisis now. Either the owners will try to pull it together and obtain some kind of emergency funding or we'll simply close the door; there's no more talking to be done. However, despite the fact they've seldom listened to me before and so aren't likely to do it now, I still want my say in the matter, and since I don't want to jeopardize my unemployment benefits, I've decided to write an open letter to them and place it here, where I know they'll never find it:

"Dear Owner/CEO and President/COO,

So sorry to hear the business is failing; we all had high hopes for our prospective success, and for awhile, we were riding quite high in a very competitive field. I know you say our downfall is due to the economic climate and general construction decline, but I have an alternate theory, and it is that our declining fortune is due primarily to poor project management and financial irresponsibility. Let me cite some examples:

• "Profit" means net profit after paying off all subcontractors and suppliers; opening a separate bank account and simply calling it a "profit account" does not make it so.

• A fledgling company doesn't need to move into spacious new offices, complete with wall-mounted big screen TV's, glass panelled conference rooms and kitchen facilities simply because the "other" company (whose previous years profit was $3.2 million) has one.

• Don't tell your employees they can't receive a pay hike, then purchase yourself a 50-foot sailboat.


• Don't hire a completely inexperienced Project Manager because you think she's "hot". That was a two-year mistake, and quite costly to the company.


• Don't take on a project you know will lose money simply for the exposure. The last time you did that the company lost close to $80,000.00 and and the only exposure we received was that we were made to look foolish.


• Don't use company money to finance your second company's opeation unless you plan to pay it back; we're still waiting for re-payment.


• Don't apologize to your key employees, the ones who actually run the day-to-day operations of your company, for not being able to pay them a holiday bonus, then drive up two days later to show off your new Aston Martin DBS.

Gentlemen, I can cite more examples, but the ones I've listed here should give you a general idea of my direction on the matter. While I'm sorry you chose not to listen this time, I hope you carry it forward with your next venture, whatever it may be. It's very simple advice, really: listen to the people you pay to run your business because at the end of they day, they are the ones who have the company's best interest at heart, you cretins.

Sincerely, Your Business Manager."

Alright, so posting my letter here may be the cowardly way out, but I've never been much of a bridge-burner, and doing it this way means I can vent my spleen in complete anonymity; after all, if they've never taken my advice, they certainly won't read anything I write. And that's a good thing because they won't know that, in the unhappy event the business fails, I've already been offered employment with the accounting firm who does the company's books. Unlike my bosses, the accountants have been kind enough to listen to me.