E-COMPATIBILITY = INCOMPATIBILITY

If you watch any amount of cable television during the course of a week, you've seen this ad: couples lovingly talk about how an on-line dating site brought them happiness beyond their wildest dreams and only through the thoroughness of the on-line questionnaire were they able to find true compatibility. I won't say the name of the site, but it starts with 'e" and ends with "h-a-r-m-o-n-y".

I'm very happy for the people I see in the ads. They seem to enjoy each other and believe in the service they were provided and in fairness they are compatible; each couple seems to have a desperate need to be on television.

I'm not convinced with the service though. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I believe that the process of personal discovery plays a large role in the establishment of a long-term relationship; getting to know each others personality and strengths while exercising tolerance with what you may find annoying is part of the whole "relationship" package. As an added bonus, it's just plain fun. So, where's the fun in finding that out by taking the equivalent of an SAT? It's definitely not of interest to me, but in fairness to That Site and, if I'm honest my own curiosity, I decided I needed to find out what's what by going through the application process myself.

I registered on the site, and I am now a 55 year old male from California called Robert. The lengthly questionnaire starts with the most basic information; how much money I make, what's my religious belief, and the all-important description of my appearance. Fortunately, the questions are gender non-specific, so I didn't have to fib. You are also asked to fill out your criteria for the wealth, religion and appearance of your future partner. Once that's done, the real fun begins because you are met with page after page after page of required information divided into the categories of Self Description, Personal Characteristics, Relationships and Values, Important Qualities in a Partner, Personal Interests, Basic Living Skills and Basic Matching Information. Some questions are answered either True or False, but the majority of information is answered by degrees graduating from "Strongly Agree" to "Strongly Disagree". It's nothing if not thorough and because there are over ten pages of information to be completed I won't go into detail about what's asked; after all, I'm doing this so you don't have to. I can tell you one of my favorites was "I waste my time". I answered "Strongly Disagree" and fortunately my boss didn't see what I was up to and strongly disagree with me. After that process is completed there are quite a few essay-type questions, and the answers supplied show up verbatim in your profile in the event your future partner wants to check you for spelling and grammar I suppose. Once the essay portion is completed, there's the matter of reviewing the five page, small-print Terms of Service Agreement, then deciding which "Subscription Plan" you want. Depending on the length of subscription, the price can range from $23.95-$44.95 per month, but, shamefully, the network went down before I could complete my payment.

The entire process was so mind-numbingly tedious, I think I would have preferred to transcribe the O.J. Simpson Trial. Nevertheless, as not to corrupt the results, "Robert" answered all of the questions with a reasonable degree of honesty and effort, and according to the eight-page profile created for him in only two hours based on my answers, he's really a nice guy. He is described as sensitive, responsible, democratic, contemplative, fair, proper, self-aware, accepting, rational, witty, charming, passionate, diplomatic, able to cope, receptive, reliable, organized, dependable, genuine, amiable, relaxed, poised, temperate, solid and laid-back. Face it ladies, he's quite a catch.

I'm still not convinced though. I truly believe that attraction is a chemical reaction based on the five senses, and in the "courting" process, you discover the rest. In contrast, e-compatibility is an academic exercise, as refreshing as stale beer, and not altogether reliable. Look at the case of "Robert"; no matter how much Joan in El Segundo or Sara in West Hollywood ** are convinced of their compatibility with him, they still don't know "he" is in reality, me.

**Since I didn't complete the payment process, no females were harmed in the writing of this column.