IF THERE'S CASH FOR CLUNKERS, I'M A MILLIONAIRE.

As my many faithful readers (cough) will remember, last month I wrote about new cars and new car shopping (What's Wrong With Just Driving?) and in my continuing quest for automotive education, I've been reading up a bit on the government-sponsored stimulus package, the Car Allowance Rebate System (CARS). Real people like me call it Cash for Clunkers.

Without going into too much detail -- it is a government-sponsored plan, after all -- the Bill was introduced by the House and Senate as an incentive for consumers to purchase more fuel-efficient vehicles. I suspect getting people into a showroom to spend money had something to do with it as well, but the government won't tell you that. In the Bill, the new-car buyer receives a rebate provided their trade-in vehicle and purchase meet the following guidelines:

- the trade-in value of the used car is less than $4500
- the trade-in vehicle is less than 25 years old
- the trade-in is rated on the government website www.cars.gov as having a combined MPG of 18 MPG or less

If the trade-in vehicle fulfills these requirements and

- the new vehicle has a combined MPG rating of 22 or higher, the buyer receives $3500 or,
- the new vehicle gets a combined MPG of 10 over the MPG of the trade-in, the buyer receives $4500

The Bill calls for all "Clunkers" turned in to be hauled away as scrap, which has the environmentalists up in arms, but that's up to the talking heads in Washington to debate. Besides, who cares about the environment when someone waves $3500-$4500 under your nose?

Reading up on the plan got me thinking about all the ancient pre-owned cars in my life, and I came to the conclusion that if Cash for Clunkers had always been around, I could have made/saved a small fortune. Here, in order of purchase, is the Huggins inventory of Clunkers past.

1964 PLYMOUTH VALIANT - my favorite car of all, probably because it was the first. Bought for $75, we used to joke that the car was so indestructable, it could drive over a dumpster undamaged. Built before the days of undercoating, my foot went through the bodywork of the rear panel while I was kicking snow away from the tire one morning, but it still had four wheels and was warmer than the bus shelter. Sold it for $75.

1965 PLYMOUTH VALIANT - If a Valiant worked once, I figured it would work again. Painted a lovely gold color with only minor staining on the seats, this one even had a radio and a working heater.

1971 FORD PINTO HATCHBACK - What substance was I smoking when I bought this one? Lime green exterior with a forest green interior in lovely vinyl, it had the popular Landau roof that so many cars had those days. But it did look modern compared with the two Valiants and I was so anal about this car I dragged my stepdad to a junkyard because the badge was missing from the back. Finding a replacement was easy, there were a lot of Pinto's in the junkyard. I didn't learn my lesson though because my next car was a,

1979 FORD PINTO HATCHBACK - Yes, I can't get enough of a bad thing. To be honest, this was quite a good car. By 1979 Ford had fixed the Pinto's pesky exploding gas-tank problem and it never had a breakdown. This little car got me and everything I owned all the way from Washington DC to Los Angeles when I moved to L.A. in the 80's, and ran many, many miles after that with only regular maintenance. Why is it in the Clunker category then? It had a burnt-orange exterior and a light orange interior and it was.....a Pinto.

1983 TOYOTA COROLLA - Toyota's have a reputation for good quality, but they must have forgotten that when they made the second-hand one I bought. Rough handling, jerky transmission and an uncomfortable ride all 'round, I sold this to a dealer for cash (and with money out of pocket) just to get rid of it.

1982 VW RABBIT - A great little car this, but it really qualified as a clunker because it had a diesel engine and was incredibly awkward to shift gears. Being a diesel, it sounded like a truck, and when I moved back to Washington, I realized diesels + cold weather = bad news. It met it's end when the engine hydrolocked about 100 yards from the entrance to the Baltimore Harbor Tunnel.

And, the best clunker of 'em all,

1993 FORD FESTIVA - After the 1964 Valiant, my absolute favorite car. Fun, easy to drive, inexpensive to own, this car could navigate snow and ice almost as good as my current car, the Subaru Outback. My mechanic once told me that the engine on the Festiva would still be running long after the body rusted away. I hope the couple I foolishly sold it to are taking very good care of it. Why then is it a clunker? Cut and paste this link to find out:

http://www.atozautolights.com/images/AutoPhotos/FOFE8893.jpg

Mind you, these aren't all the cars I've owned, these are just the clunkers. So, President Obama, members of the House and Senate, please make Cash for Clunkers 25 years retroactive. I could pay off a lot of bills.

Or buy a restored Ford Festiva.