E-COMPATIBILITY = INCOMPATIBILITY

If you watch any amount of cable television during the course of a week, you've seen this ad: couples lovingly talk about how an on-line dating site brought them happiness beyond their wildest dreams and only through the thoroughness of the on-line questionnaire were they able to find true compatibility. I won't say the name of the site, but it starts with 'e" and ends with "h-a-r-m-o-n-y".

I'm very happy for the people I see in the ads. They seem to enjoy each other and believe in the service they were provided and in fairness they are compatible; each couple seems to have a desperate need to be on television.

I'm not convinced with the service though. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I believe that the process of personal discovery plays a large role in the establishment of a long-term relationship; getting to know each others personality and strengths while exercising tolerance with what you may find annoying is part of the whole "relationship" package. As an added bonus, it's just plain fun. So, where's the fun in finding that out by taking the equivalent of an SAT? It's definitely not of interest to me, but in fairness to That Site and, if I'm honest my own curiosity, I decided I needed to find out what's what by going through the application process myself.

I registered on the site, and I am now a 55 year old male from California called Robert. The lengthly questionnaire starts with the most basic information; how much money I make, what's my religious belief, and the all-important description of my appearance. Fortunately, the questions are gender non-specific, so I didn't have to fib. You are also asked to fill out your criteria for the wealth, religion and appearance of your future partner. Once that's done, the real fun begins because you are met with page after page after page of required information divided into the categories of Self Description, Personal Characteristics, Relationships and Values, Important Qualities in a Partner, Personal Interests, Basic Living Skills and Basic Matching Information. Some questions are answered either True or False, but the majority of information is answered by degrees graduating from "Strongly Agree" to "Strongly Disagree". It's nothing if not thorough and because there are over ten pages of information to be completed I won't go into detail about what's asked; after all, I'm doing this so you don't have to. I can tell you one of my favorites was "I waste my time". I answered "Strongly Disagree" and fortunately my boss didn't see what I was up to and strongly disagree with me. After that process is completed there are quite a few essay-type questions, and the answers supplied show up verbatim in your profile in the event your future partner wants to check you for spelling and grammar I suppose. Once the essay portion is completed, there's the matter of reviewing the five page, small-print Terms of Service Agreement, then deciding which "Subscription Plan" you want. Depending on the length of subscription, the price can range from $23.95-$44.95 per month, but, shamefully, the network went down before I could complete my payment.

The entire process was so mind-numbingly tedious, I think I would have preferred to transcribe the O.J. Simpson Trial. Nevertheless, as not to corrupt the results, "Robert" answered all of the questions with a reasonable degree of honesty and effort, and according to the eight-page profile created for him in only two hours based on my answers, he's really a nice guy. He is described as sensitive, responsible, democratic, contemplative, fair, proper, self-aware, accepting, rational, witty, charming, passionate, diplomatic, able to cope, receptive, reliable, organized, dependable, genuine, amiable, relaxed, poised, temperate, solid and laid-back. Face it ladies, he's quite a catch.

I'm still not convinced though. I truly believe that attraction is a chemical reaction based on the five senses, and in the "courting" process, you discover the rest. In contrast, e-compatibility is an academic exercise, as refreshing as stale beer, and not altogether reliable. Look at the case of "Robert"; no matter how much Joan in El Segundo or Sara in West Hollywood ** are convinced of their compatibility with him, they still don't know "he" is in reality, me.

**Since I didn't complete the payment process, no females were harmed in the writing of this column.

BOND VILLAIN NOW HIRING

Good old BBC America. Every now and again, say after showing their smash reality show My Big Breasts and Me for the 51st time, they come through with something I enjoy. This month they are replaying selected James Bond films and that's great news for me because I love a Bond film. Any Bond film. Even one with Roger Moore as 007, which is what BBCA is showing.

Unfortunately, I have a love/hate relationship with their latest offering, Moonraker. On one hand I love it because it has a great evil genius, Hugo Drax (shown, played by Michael Lonsdale). Then there's the character of "Holly Goodhead", an astronaut-slash-Bond Girl with a name second only to Goldfinger's "Pussy Galore" in terms of improbablility. It also has a good musical score with a lovely theme song performed by Shirley Bassey. The problem with this film though, is somewhere in the middle it appears that the director and/or screenwriter started experimenting with the fumes from model airplane glue because, for no apparent reason, the wheels start to come off. The film dissolves into a series of farcical gags featuring the steel-toothed henchman, called "Jaws" trying his best to kill Bond while generally acting silly and pulling faces that would have made Tommy Cooper, Red Skelton or any one of The Three Stooges proud. It's a complete embarrassment to watch, so you go for coffee and a sandwich until the production team sober up and get on with it, which they eventually do.

If you're not familiar with Moonraker, here is the plot in a nutshell. Hugo Drax, evil billionaire and genius, decides to take out the entire human race (as you do) by escaping to his personal space station with six space shuttles and a group of hand-picked couples a la Noah's ark. His plan is to launch a necklace of satellites around the earth to release a deadly poison into the atmosphere fatal only to humans then return to start a New World Order. No, really, that's the plot but surprisingly, the film is not bad.

With such an ambitious plan you can imagine in order to carry out his dream of world domination, Drax has a very complex system of companies employing what must be thousands of people around the world, and maybe because of the current economic climate (but more, I suspect, the beer I was drinking) while I watched the film this time, I wondered: where does he get his help? Does the Drax HR Department outsource? Hire temp-to-perm? Use professional headhunters? Maybe they do things the old fashioned way and advertise in the local newspaper but I have to think that given the nature of his operation the ad would have a few warning signs. How far in arrears on your mortgage payment would you have to be to answer this:

COME JOIN THE DRAX TEAM! If you are an enthusiastic, team player with an eye toward the future, the Drax Corporation want to hear from you. We are beginning work on an exciting new global project, and qualified candidates are being sought in the following areas: terrestrial and celestial construction, manufacturing, import/export, supply management, heavy goods transportation, real-estate acquisitions and development, multi-media and computer specialties, travel services, administrative (all areas), aircraft piloting and maintenance, aerospace technology and logistics, hazardous biochemical systems delivery, space shuttle piloting and maintenance, security (special training provided), and attractive females with experience in seduction and treachery.

Employment is offered in our branches in Los Angeles, Rio de Janiero, Rome and Outer Space. Length of employment varies on location; long-term employees will be required to relocate temporarily to the Drax Space Station.

Our generous benefit package includes salary commensurate with experience, weapons training, free travel, free uniforms and free burial services for terrestrial-based employees. Room and board, employer-sponsored health care and 401(k) plan provided to long-term, celestial-based employees and seductive females only. The Drax Corporation is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

No phone calls please.

It doesn't sound very promising but with current national unemployment at an approximate rate of 9.5 percent, I'm sure Drax would have no shortage of applicants. And, there's one benefit the recruiters didn't mention; the possible chance to seduce James Bond, 007.

Gentlemen, my application is on its way.

WASHINGTON DC, LAND OF THE LOST

A few months back I mentioned in a column that I think SatNav is a useless toy in a car, but I'm beginning to doubt that now. If anyone needs SatNav, it's anyone living in Washington DC and its environs.

For a start, there's the traffic. Washington DC is, according to which survey you read, either the fourth or fifth most congested city in the United States, although anyone sitting in DC traffic will argue that it's undoubtedly the first. Interstate 495, also known as the Capitol Beltway, the major ring road feeding traffic in and out of the city is a daily commuting nightmare. Even in the best weather conditions and no accident delays, the sheer volume of cars attempting to navigate the roads ensures a lengthly stress-filled journey . That's a good argument for SatNav right there as it's wise to have a minimum three alternate traffic avoidance routes to get to your destination.

But the real joy, and where SatNav is almost a necessity, is when you finally arrive in Washington DC proper, as proved once again the other evening when I got lost on a seemingly easy journey. I truly believe the city layout was designed under the geometric principle that the shortest distance between Point A and Point B is a cube.

Now, I have to say I have a very good sense of direction. In the years I lived in Los Angeles, London and Philadelphia, I never got lost. Never. I did once get lost in Cincinnati, but probably because I was hoping to permanently find a way out. However, in Washington, unless I know the exact route I need to take, I can almost guarantee I'll guess wrong and end up on a dead end street, or the Anacostia Freeway, which in my opinion is the same thing.

At this point I was going to give you my own description of Washington's street layout but after the fifth draft I was totally befuddled and longing for Cincinnati. So I'm borrowing the following abridged, but very accurate description from Wikipedia. Brace yourselves readers, this is the simplest description I could find:

"At the center of the design is the U.S. Capitol, from which four quadrants radiate along the four compass directions, Northwest, Southwest, Northeast and Southeast. The four quadrants are separated by North Capitol Street, South Capitol Street and East Capitol Street, with a line travelling due west serving as the fourth demarcation line. Streets that are oriented north/south are designated by numbers and count upwards from east to west in the
Northwest and Southwest quadrants of the city, starting at the Capitol; these streets repeat in the Northast and Southeast quadrants, counting upwards from west to east going away from the Capitol."

Confused yet? Wait. It gets better.

"Streets that are oriented east/west use a single letter of the alphabet, thus, east-to-west
streets "count" upwards from south to north in NW and NE and likewise repeat in the opposite direction from SW to SE. Street numbers count upwards travelling outward from the dividing lines of the quadrants. "A" Street, as named, is only found in NE and SE. in NW and SW,
the roads that would have been known as "A" Street are known as Madison Drive NW, and Jefferson Drive SW."

And, for sheer folly it seems, the city planners did this:

"There is no "J" Street in any quadrant. North of the Mall, the road that once was "B" Street NE and NW is now named Constitution Avenue; south of the mall the corresponding street is named Independence Avenue. There is also no "X", "Y" or "Z" Streets. "I" Street, "Q" Street and "U" Streets are alternately called "Eye", "Que" and "You" Streets to avoid confusion with other lettered streets."

After reading that I imagine some are thinking, "How can she be confused by that? There's nothing to it.". To which I reply, come to Washington DC without SatNav or a navigator (read: wife or girlfriend), anytime between 0700 and 2000 hours, or whenever there is inclement weather, a parade, a demonstration, a free concert on the Capitol lawn or a marathon. I'll wave to you as you drive by the third time trying to sort out where you need to go and how best to get there.

As an interesting sidenote, while looking over the internet I've found there are some very committed citizens who believe the city's quirky configuration is the result of architect and Freemason Pierre Charles L'Enfant's efforts to hide certain occultic and Luciferic symbols within the layout of the city. Whether this is true or not is the subject for a possibly heated Masonic debate, but anyone trying to navigate Washington DC without knowing precisely where they are going will probably agree that the confusing streets may well be the work of the Devil.

UN-FAIR HOUSING

I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit irritable and politically incorrect this week, and you can blame it on my neighbor. Her name is Jennifer, but I call her the "Good Humor Lady". She always carries a keyring so chock full of keys it would make a building superintendent jealous and since she doesn't work she's in and out of her unit at all hours, playing a chorus of "Jingle Bells" as she walks down the lengthly corridor.

GHL greted me this morning as I was rushing off late to work and announced, "Have you heard? They're moving all of us to different units!" Not your normal "hello" mind, but then, you don't know Jennifer.

The "all of us" she was referring to meant the tenants living in my condominium complex under Section 8, the subsidized housing arrangement sponsored by my city of residence. In my 476-unit complex, approximately 25% of the units are owned/operated by the city and rented out at reduced rates to disadvantaged citizens.

GHL went on to tell me that the reason for the tenant movement was because the city was completely remodelling all of the Section 8 units in the complex, installing new cabinets, bathroom fittings, carpets, window treatments, the lot. She told me she had already seen one of the re-decorated units, described in detail the new countertops in the kitchen, and then she made the mistake of asking, "Isn't that great"? My reply was less then cordial and I answered "Yeah, its great for you ."

I'd like to think my ungracious attitude was because it was early and I was running late, or the fact Jennifer is annoying at the best of times, but I'm rather more ashamed to say, I'm angry. I'm angry that my neighbor, who can work but doesn't (I know this to be fact; she collects Social Security Disability and once told me she doesn't want to work if she doesn't have to) has a unit nicer than my own courtesy of the City, and is shortly going to get a better one. I'm angry that I have to pay for condo maintenance and she doesn't, courtesy of the City. I'm angry that her monthly rental is approximately 35% less than my mortgage payment, courtesy of the City, and I'm angry of the fact that, despite holding down two jobs, I couldn't possibly afford the home improvements she and the other Section 8 tenants are getting free, courtesy of the City. The icing on the cake is I get to pay the City, in the form of tax dollars, for all the anger I'm feeling.

Before I get bad mail about this, let me say that I know many of my Section 8 neighbors and I'm quite fond of a few of them; there's the man who lives down the hall, retired from Amtrak who suffers from diabetes. He always has a nice word to say and talks to my dog while she sits on my balcony waiting for me to come home; there's the elderly lady who used to live in the unit that GHL occupies. She was close to my late partner and me, and brought food over to me more than once after his death because she thought I wasn't taking care of myself properly. Then there's the wheelchair-bound lady who never seems to have a bad mood, and who made my Mother's day once by saying she thought Mom and I were sisters....

Hang on, maybe I've got this wrong. It's not Section 8 or the remodeling that I have a problem with at all. It's Jennifer the GHL, and people like her who work the System, take unfair advantage of it, and then remind the rest of us that it happens that makes me angry.

And the person I'm most angry with right now? Me, for letting it get to me in the first place. Rant over.