BOND VILLAIN NOW HIRING

Good old BBC America. Every now and again, say after showing their smash reality show My Big Breasts and Me for the 51st time, they come through with something I enjoy. This month they are replaying selected James Bond films and that's great news for me because I love a Bond film. Any Bond film. Even one with Roger Moore as 007, which is what BBCA is showing.

Unfortunately, I have a love/hate relationship with their latest offering, Moonraker. On one hand I love it because it has a great evil genius, Hugo Drax (shown, played by Michael Lonsdale). Then there's the character of "Holly Goodhead", an astronaut-slash-Bond Girl with a name second only to Goldfinger's "Pussy Galore" in terms of improbablility. It also has a good musical score with a lovely theme song performed by Shirley Bassey. The problem with this film though, is somewhere in the middle it appears that the director and/or screenwriter started experimenting with the fumes from model airplane glue because, for no apparent reason, the wheels start to come off. The film dissolves into a series of farcical gags featuring the steel-toothed henchman, called "Jaws" trying his best to kill Bond while generally acting silly and pulling faces that would have made Tommy Cooper, Red Skelton or any one of The Three Stooges proud. It's a complete embarrassment to watch, so you go for coffee and a sandwich until the production team sober up and get on with it, which they eventually do.

If you're not familiar with Moonraker, here is the plot in a nutshell. Hugo Drax, evil billionaire and genius, decides to take out the entire human race (as you do) by escaping to his personal space station with six space shuttles and a group of hand-picked couples a la Noah's ark. His plan is to launch a necklace of satellites around the earth to release a deadly poison into the atmosphere fatal only to humans then return to start a New World Order. No, really, that's the plot but surprisingly, the film is not bad.

With such an ambitious plan you can imagine in order to carry out his dream of world domination, Drax has a very complex system of companies employing what must be thousands of people around the world, and maybe because of the current economic climate (but more, I suspect, the beer I was drinking) while I watched the film this time, I wondered: where does he get his help? Does the Drax HR Department outsource? Hire temp-to-perm? Use professional headhunters? Maybe they do things the old fashioned way and advertise in the local newspaper but I have to think that given the nature of his operation the ad would have a few warning signs. How far in arrears on your mortgage payment would you have to be to answer this:

COME JOIN THE DRAX TEAM! If you are an enthusiastic, team player with an eye toward the future, the Drax Corporation want to hear from you. We are beginning work on an exciting new global project, and qualified candidates are being sought in the following areas: terrestrial and celestial construction, manufacturing, import/export, supply management, heavy goods transportation, real-estate acquisitions and development, multi-media and computer specialties, travel services, administrative (all areas), aircraft piloting and maintenance, aerospace technology and logistics, hazardous biochemical systems delivery, space shuttle piloting and maintenance, security (special training provided), and attractive females with experience in seduction and treachery.

Employment is offered in our branches in Los Angeles, Rio de Janiero, Rome and Outer Space. Length of employment varies on location; long-term employees will be required to relocate temporarily to the Drax Space Station.

Our generous benefit package includes salary commensurate with experience, weapons training, free travel, free uniforms and free burial services for terrestrial-based employees. Room and board, employer-sponsored health care and 401(k) plan provided to long-term, celestial-based employees and seductive females only. The Drax Corporation is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

No phone calls please.

It doesn't sound very promising but with current national unemployment at an approximate rate of 9.5 percent, I'm sure Drax would have no shortage of applicants. And, there's one benefit the recruiters didn't mention; the possible chance to seduce James Bond, 007.

Gentlemen, my application is on its way.