METHINKS THE BBC "REVEALS" TOO MUCH

Regular Light Side readers have heard me refer to BBC America from time-to-time, so it will come as no surprise that I'm an avid watcher of this cable channel. I'd like to say I only watch it because of the excellent and extensive coverage on BBC World News America, but the truth is there's a wealth of quality programming on BBC America that we're not likely to see on any American cable channel.

Some examples of excellent programming are dramatic series Robin Hood, Doctor Who, and MI-5, comedies Coupling and Little Britain, talk shows Friday Night With Jonathan Ross and The Graham Norton Show, and reality programs, Top Gear, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (miles ahead of the US-based version) and Last Restaurant Standing and the good news is that, because the BBC replays each episode a ridiculous number of times, you're sure never to miss an episode no matter how hectic your schedule may be.

The bad news is, where there's a yin, there's also a yang, and in the BBC's case that massive yang is called BBC America Reveals. The BBC describes this gem as a "...compelling range of ...documentaries (highlighting) a wide range of social and cultural issues", but they're not fooling anyone; it's basic sensationalism-based television with a British accent and I know this because I've watched a few of the "documentaries" myself. While some of them were of genuine interest (Apollo Wives, The Cocaine Diaries and The Fastest Man on No Legs come to mind), here are some of examples of the more sensational topics on offer in this series: 100 Men Own My Breasts, Fake Baby, 476-Pound Teenager, Transvestite Wives, My Small Breasts and Me, and Should I Smoke Dope? Alright, it's all a bit silly, but there's obviously a market for programming such as this and, on the whole, it's basically harmless.

At least, that's what I thought until I saw one of there more recent offerings, Perfect Private Parts and the premise was to explore (no pun intended) how far women will go to achieve perfection for "a body part that not many people will ever see". The documentary shows heavily pixelated scenes of bikini waxing, women having their woman-parts moulded into clay for comparison with other women's parts, men discussing what they find unattractive about that "region" and we also get to see a woman having actual surgery on that area, under local anesthetic, no less. The most stomach churning scene however was a segment featuring what can only be described as a "support group", where women of varying ages sit in a circle on the floor, private parts fully exposed for inspection by all, while individuals share their feelings about the pain and trauma their vaginas have brought to their lives. As todays youth would say, "WTF?!?!"

Really, a bit of trash television is an acceptable guilty pleasure, but does this kind of expose serve any genuine purpose other than to increase viewership with the tempting prospect of seeing a womans sexual organ? Is this what John Reith, the first General Manager of the BBC envisioned as quality programming for the new network? I don't think it does any service to women other than to cause them to question the state of their own "region", and it certainly did nothing for me except make me wince. There's a reason they're called private parts and the key word is "private". BBC, if you want to educate your viewers in the wonders of nature, stick to what you do best. Give us more documentaries with David Attenborough.

BOND VILLAIN NOW HIRING

Good old BBC America. Every now and again, say after showing their smash reality show My Big Breasts and Me for the 51st time, they come through with something I enjoy. This month they are replaying selected James Bond films and that's great news for me because I love a Bond film. Any Bond film. Even one with Roger Moore as 007, which is what BBCA is showing.

Unfortunately, I have a love/hate relationship with their latest offering, Moonraker. On one hand I love it because it has a great evil genius, Hugo Drax (shown, played by Michael Lonsdale). Then there's the character of "Holly Goodhead", an astronaut-slash-Bond Girl with a name second only to Goldfinger's "Pussy Galore" in terms of improbablility. It also has a good musical score with a lovely theme song performed by Shirley Bassey. The problem with this film though, is somewhere in the middle it appears that the director and/or screenwriter started experimenting with the fumes from model airplane glue because, for no apparent reason, the wheels start to come off. The film dissolves into a series of farcical gags featuring the steel-toothed henchman, called "Jaws" trying his best to kill Bond while generally acting silly and pulling faces that would have made Tommy Cooper, Red Skelton or any one of The Three Stooges proud. It's a complete embarrassment to watch, so you go for coffee and a sandwich until the production team sober up and get on with it, which they eventually do.

If you're not familiar with Moonraker, here is the plot in a nutshell. Hugo Drax, evil billionaire and genius, decides to take out the entire human race (as you do) by escaping to his personal space station with six space shuttles and a group of hand-picked couples a la Noah's ark. His plan is to launch a necklace of satellites around the earth to release a deadly poison into the atmosphere fatal only to humans then return to start a New World Order. No, really, that's the plot but surprisingly, the film is not bad.

With such an ambitious plan you can imagine in order to carry out his dream of world domination, Drax has a very complex system of companies employing what must be thousands of people around the world, and maybe because of the current economic climate (but more, I suspect, the beer I was drinking) while I watched the film this time, I wondered: where does he get his help? Does the Drax HR Department outsource? Hire temp-to-perm? Use professional headhunters? Maybe they do things the old fashioned way and advertise in the local newspaper but I have to think that given the nature of his operation the ad would have a few warning signs. How far in arrears on your mortgage payment would you have to be to answer this:

COME JOIN THE DRAX TEAM! If you are an enthusiastic, team player with an eye toward the future, the Drax Corporation want to hear from you. We are beginning work on an exciting new global project, and qualified candidates are being sought in the following areas: terrestrial and celestial construction, manufacturing, import/export, supply management, heavy goods transportation, real-estate acquisitions and development, multi-media and computer specialties, travel services, administrative (all areas), aircraft piloting and maintenance, aerospace technology and logistics, hazardous biochemical systems delivery, space shuttle piloting and maintenance, security (special training provided), and attractive females with experience in seduction and treachery.

Employment is offered in our branches in Los Angeles, Rio de Janiero, Rome and Outer Space. Length of employment varies on location; long-term employees will be required to relocate temporarily to the Drax Space Station.

Our generous benefit package includes salary commensurate with experience, weapons training, free travel, free uniforms and free burial services for terrestrial-based employees. Room and board, employer-sponsored health care and 401(k) plan provided to long-term, celestial-based employees and seductive females only. The Drax Corporation is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

No phone calls please.

It doesn't sound very promising but with current national unemployment at an approximate rate of 9.5 percent, I'm sure Drax would have no shortage of applicants. And, there's one benefit the recruiters didn't mention; the possible chance to seduce James Bond, 007.

Gentlemen, my application is on its way.