WASHINGTON DC, LAND OF THE LOST

A few months back I mentioned in a column that I think SatNav is a useless toy in a car, but I'm beginning to doubt that now. If anyone needs SatNav, it's anyone living in Washington DC and its environs.

For a start, there's the traffic. Washington DC is, according to which survey you read, either the fourth or fifth most congested city in the United States, although anyone sitting in DC traffic will argue that it's undoubtedly the first. Interstate 495, also known as the Capitol Beltway, the major ring road feeding traffic in and out of the city is a daily commuting nightmare. Even in the best weather conditions and no accident delays, the sheer volume of cars attempting to navigate the roads ensures a lengthly stress-filled journey . That's a good argument for SatNav right there as it's wise to have a minimum three alternate traffic avoidance routes to get to your destination.

But the real joy, and where SatNav is almost a necessity, is when you finally arrive in Washington DC proper, as proved once again the other evening when I got lost on a seemingly easy journey. I truly believe the city layout was designed under the geometric principle that the shortest distance between Point A and Point B is a cube.

Now, I have to say I have a very good sense of direction. In the years I lived in Los Angeles, London and Philadelphia, I never got lost. Never. I did once get lost in Cincinnati, but probably because I was hoping to permanently find a way out. However, in Washington, unless I know the exact route I need to take, I can almost guarantee I'll guess wrong and end up on a dead end street, or the Anacostia Freeway, which in my opinion is the same thing.

At this point I was going to give you my own description of Washington's street layout but after the fifth draft I was totally befuddled and longing for Cincinnati. So I'm borrowing the following abridged, but very accurate description from Wikipedia. Brace yourselves readers, this is the simplest description I could find:

"At the center of the design is the U.S. Capitol, from which four quadrants radiate along the four compass directions, Northwest, Southwest, Northeast and Southeast. The four quadrants are separated by North Capitol Street, South Capitol Street and East Capitol Street, with a line travelling due west serving as the fourth demarcation line. Streets that are oriented north/south are designated by numbers and count upwards from east to west in the
Northwest and Southwest quadrants of the city, starting at the Capitol; these streets repeat in the Northast and Southeast quadrants, counting upwards from west to east going away from the Capitol."

Confused yet? Wait. It gets better.

"Streets that are oriented east/west use a single letter of the alphabet, thus, east-to-west
streets "count" upwards from south to north in NW and NE and likewise repeat in the opposite direction from SW to SE. Street numbers count upwards travelling outward from the dividing lines of the quadrants. "A" Street, as named, is only found in NE and SE. in NW and SW,
the roads that would have been known as "A" Street are known as Madison Drive NW, and Jefferson Drive SW."

And, for sheer folly it seems, the city planners did this:

"There is no "J" Street in any quadrant. North of the Mall, the road that once was "B" Street NE and NW is now named Constitution Avenue; south of the mall the corresponding street is named Independence Avenue. There is also no "X", "Y" or "Z" Streets. "I" Street, "Q" Street and "U" Streets are alternately called "Eye", "Que" and "You" Streets to avoid confusion with other lettered streets."

After reading that I imagine some are thinking, "How can she be confused by that? There's nothing to it.". To which I reply, come to Washington DC without SatNav or a navigator (read: wife or girlfriend), anytime between 0700 and 2000 hours, or whenever there is inclement weather, a parade, a demonstration, a free concert on the Capitol lawn or a marathon. I'll wave to you as you drive by the third time trying to sort out where you need to go and how best to get there.

As an interesting sidenote, while looking over the internet I've found there are some very committed citizens who believe the city's quirky configuration is the result of architect and Freemason Pierre Charles L'Enfant's efforts to hide certain occultic and Luciferic symbols within the layout of the city. Whether this is true or not is the subject for a possibly heated Masonic debate, but anyone trying to navigate Washington DC without knowing precisely where they are going will probably agree that the confusing streets may well be the work of the Devil.