IF THERE'S A HEAVEN, I HOPE IT HAS EBAY

Without being immodest, I can say I'm a woman fairly free of economic folly; I drive a twelve year-old car (and, being a Subaru, no one except a true "petrol-head" can tell how old it is), I prefer a classic dress sense (read: I can wear the same clothing for years), and most of my durable furniture is from La-Z-Boy, which means it will probably be functional long after I am.

Where I let the team down though is in the area of what I'll call binge buying, meaning, if I buy something and enjoy it, I have to own an entire set of whatever that item may be; DVD box sets, books by a particular author, and so on. A good example of a recent binge would be airline dinnerware. Yes, you read that right, airline dinnerware. I now have a collection of plates, cups saucers, ramekins, cutlery and cloth napkins from the best of 'em; United, Delta, TWA, Western, Pan Am, National, and a few other airlines you've probably not heard of if you were born after 1979. Some people may think, "well, you're just a collector", but the truth is I'm not. A true collector buys things but doesn't sell them while a binge buyer a) buys things b) keeps buying until bored with it, then c) gives the stuff away. At least, that used to be the case until eBay came around. Now, I can buy all the bunny rabbit salt and pepper shakers I want, knowing full well that when the obsession passes, the Salvation Army stores won't have more stuff on their shelves. I can now get my money back by selling it on eBay.

Selling on eBay can be a bit tricky for a beginner but it's actually quite easy to do, and the more often you sell, the simpler the process becomes. When I first started selling on eBay, the entire shipping/feedback/PayPal transaction system completely baffled me, and my first few sales were completed with me in a seemingly perpetual state of confusion, but working the process is really the best way to learn. And, it's amazing to see what some people will buy; a magazine I was fully prepared to toss in the recycle bin sold in a bidding war between three buyers for $202.00. An out-of-print, spoken word CD that was a gift long forgotten fetched $175.00, and a buyer in Australia paid $45.00 in shipping charges alone (the item itself sold for $15.00) for an old cup and saucer from the 20th Century Fox studio in Los Angeles. Of course, it's not all wins; I've listed a few items that never received a bid, but it's a no-loss situation; I get to keep the item. As much as l like to sell however, there are some things I would never sell on eBay. Jewelry, clothing, appliances, and the like are all great categories in which to sell, but there's plenty of "pros" on eBay doing that, and I leave them to it. But for the binge-buyer like me, who collects oddities such as old movie posters, DVD box sets, old sheet music, cups and saucers, salt and pepper shakers, and yes, even airline collectibles, selling on eBay is heaven. I can indulge my binge to my hearts content, secure in the knowledge that another binge-buyer is out there somewhere to take it off my hands when I'm ready to sell it.

You'll have to excuse me now, a bidder in Israel just bought my VHS copy of an obscure made-for TV-movie, A Fire In The Sky. Time to fill out my Customs Declaration.

SICK SCORECARD: BODY-1, MIND-0

For me, one of the best opening lines in literature comes from Poe's "The Pit and The Pendulum": I was sick, sick unto death with that long agony, and when they at length unbound me, and I was permitted to sit, I felt that my senses were leaving me. For the purpose of this week's piece though, I'm going to edit that line to say; I am gawd-awfully sick and I know my senses have left me.

On Monday I thought something wasn't quite right, but I chalked it up to fatigue. However on Tuesday, I knew I was in a bad way. That feeling was confirmed when my boss, who has sympathy for no man or woman told me I didn't look well and to my complete shock, suggested I go home for the day as soon as my workload permitted. It is now Thursday, and I'm still sick, at the office, and after a few days of confused thinking have come to the conclusion that we don't fully realize what being sick does to the mind, as well as the body. For example, my normal writing routine is to kick around ideas on Tuesday, begin writing on Wednesday, make changes on Thursday, and publish no later than Saturday evening. But, this week I could have cared less about any of it. By Tuesday I was completely convinced this column was a waste of time and that I was only a hack writer with not an original thought in my head. In addition to this, I was convinced that my house was a mess, my car was worthless, my job was a disaster, my face was ugly, my hair is dangerously thinning, and life as I know it, was no longer worth living.

But after being depressed for just under 72 hours, it all makes sense. I'm sick, and my body wants and needs rest. Unfortunately in our society it seems a person isn't allowed to be ill; our daily schedules and rigid corporate policies simply will not permit it. So, we carry on working, shopping, doing housework, etcetera as if there's nothing wrong and, based on my befuddled thought processes, I don't think my body is sitting still for it. Whether I like it or not, it's telling me, "I don't want you to write, work, cook, shop, do laundry, clean, or any of that nonsense, and to be sure you don't, I'm going to have the brain confuse you so bad that you won't want to do any of it either."

You know what? It's working because I am now certain that while I'm sick anything I write, anything I do or say, or any decision I make is going to be completely wrong. So I think I'll just pack it in, do what my body wants and get some rest, taking comfort in the knowledge that when I'm well, my writing will no longer be garbage, my column isn't a waste of time, my house is gorgeous, my car is tip-top, my job is a dream, I still look good for my age, and life is indeed worth living again. Unfortunately, I'm fairly sure my hair will still be dangerously thinning, but I'll deal with that when I'm feeling better. Stay well, readers.