NO, REALLY, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS

Every year, particularly during the holiday season, several acquaintances seem to feel the need to "fix me up" with someone. I can almost hear the inevitable tongue-clicking from well-meaning people who assume that, because I've been partner-less for some years now, I'm lonely. Anyone who's widowed knows precisely what I'm talking about; the sad gaze from people who hear you've lost a spouse who assume you're in a perpetual state of grief and therefore require a replacement mate as soon as possible. As annoying as their presumption can be, I really can't fault them; I'm sure their well-intentioned reaction is based on how they would react themselves in my situation, but they obviously don't know me well. If they did know me well, they'd know that I have an active social life, with plenty of friends for company.

One of my favorite friends is a man who I will call Richard, which is a good idea because that happens to be his name. Richard is great fun to be around, intelligent, witty, thoughtful and an all-around gentlemen. He is also tall, lithe, non-gay and extremely handsome, which is a positive bonus for my ego, and means I don't have to wear flats whenever we're out together. Let's face it, we're a stunning pair, Richard and I. It's a convenient arrangement as well; we're not a couple but we go to social functions together from time-to-time. We interact well with each others friends, enjoy many of the same activities and at the end of an evening, we're off to our respective homes in good spirits with a friendly peck on the cheek serving as a goodnight kiss.

Where the arrangement gets awkward however, is that sooner or later the question of our relationship status pops up somewhere in conversation and it's a tricky question to answer. As we've found from experience, there seem to be a lot of folk out there who don't believe that men and women can simply be friends. At least, we assume that's what it must be, because our standard answer to the relationship question, "we're not a couple", usually produces one of three looks; awkward glances from real couples, looks of confusion from men (as in, "are you gay?) and from the ladies, hope-filled smiles at Richard, and what they're actually thinking, I can probably guess.

In truth, it's not difficult to be close friends with a member of the opposite sex but the key component is that you cannot enter into such a friendship with the expectation of something more, and Richard and I don't have those expectations. Surely, if he was looking for romance, he could find it practically...well, anywhere, based on the amount of female attention he gets, and I could have my share of admirers as well provided I ever saw fit get up off the sofa. But for us at least, at this time in our lives, its much nicer to have the friendship of someone of the opposite sex without any of the pressure but with (almost) all of the benefits, namely companionship, caring, someone to do emergency repairs about the house (him), and someone to cook (me). Richard's simple explanation for me is "she's just like a 'mate', except better looking", and I simply say "he's my friend", and that's a basic enough explanation for anyone to understand. Can a personal relationship like this stand the test of time? If we're honest it will, of necessity change if or when either of us finds true love (whatever that mean) but for now, it's a perfectly satisfactory arrangement that I encourage anyone to try.

Now, I'm sure some readers, particularly the women-folk are asking, "wouldn't you like to be involved with this man?", and my answer is that I already am, but I'm practically certain to become more involved would probably lead to the end of a beautiful friendship.

SNOW, SNOW, HORRIBLE SNOW

As I write this, it's the wee hours of a Saturday morning. I'm in wind-down mode after working a wonderful performance of Handel's Messiah at The John F. Kennedy Center Concert Hall, enjoying a cold beer, watching the warm glow of the Christmas tree lights reflected in the glass and mirrors in the room, and gazing through the window at the snow that started falling shortly before I made the drive home roughly two hours ago. However, if you're reading this and thinking what a delightfully tranquil mood I must be in, you're quite wrong and the reason is, the snow.

As a rule I enjoy a bit of snow, especially this time of year. Who wouldn't like to hear Bing Crosby sing White Christmas while actually seeing it in person for a change? The problem is, this particular snowfall is an official Winter Storm Warning with an approximate accumulation expected of 12 inches, and perhaps more, and I think it's going to be bad. The first warning sign was the trip home. Normally, the trip from the Kennedy Center takes about 10-15 minutes but tonight's trip took thirty minutes, and I passed no less than three auto accidents en route and the snow had barely begun to fall. If this is any indication of what the next 24 hours of expected snowfall means to the Nations Capital, I am in a state of absolute dread.

If you live in one of the more snow-hardened areas of the world you may be wondering what all the fuss is about, but the simple truth is that Washington DC and snow simply do not mix. There isn't the amount of equipment and manpower in place to keep the area moving if there is more than a snowfall of say, five inches or more, and even that small amount can bring the city to it's knees. Add to that the constant minute-by-minute coverage from the television finger-to-the-wind boys warning us of all the hazards of driving in snowy conditions, and you have a sense of city-wide panic probably not felt since that of Grover's Mill, New Jersey when they thought the War of the Worlds radio broadcast was real....

It is now twelve hours later, and I'm gazing through the same window, watching what should be the lovely sight of gently blanketing snow, but I can't, because I'm watching the local 24-hour news channel feed me live coverage of cars getting stuck on the major highways, walk-by citizens being interviewed on camera saying how unsafe it is to be out at all (so why are you, then?), and updates on how much more snow is expected to accumulate before we can all breathe a sigh of relief and sort out how to dig ourselves out of this mess. Again, if you're not from this area, you haven't experienced the pain of watching "cowboy" snowplows making a quick buck piling six feet of snow behind your car or worse for people living in DC proper, waiting four or more days for City services to come plow the side streets...

It's now Sunday evening and I'm happy to say that, with the help of two very nice gentlemen who took pity on me, I was able to dig my car out from under the expected six feet of snow piled behind my car by the "cowboy" snowplow, but since the men only showed up at the end of the two and a half-hour chore, I'm still taking credit for all the major shoveling. So, at least I know I'm mobile again but the next worry is how to deal with the Monday morning commute surrounded by people who have absolutely no conception of how to drive when there is a bit of hardened moisture on the road. It's not terribly difficult; maintain a steady speed, keep a safe distance, put your cell phone down, wait until you get to the office to apply your make-up, and just drive the car.

All this snow should be a pleasant experience, but unlike the Hollywood depictions of snowfall in films such as in White Christmas it simply isn't, at least not in this region. The one crumb of satisfaction I have is courtesy of Chicago-based, snow veteran President Obama; last year DC schools were closed because of a four inch accumulation of snow, and he stated on record he couldn't understand why. I remember having a chuckle and thinking, "don't worry, you will".

I think he may understand now.

WANTED: ONE REAL VACATION

According to the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, a vacation is simply defined as "a holiday" (they're British, after all), but it's clear that whoever wrote that entry didn't spend last week's "holiday" with me.

With the economy in it's uncertain state, I wouldn't expect to be able to take a proper vacation (for instance something involving travel, excitement, fun, romance or having a nice meal that doesn't arrive at the table immediately following the "ding" of a microwave); it just would have been nice if I didn't have to do any sort of work. I don't mean "from the office" type work, I'm referring to the personal things needing done that those of us who have jobs simply can't get taken care of when working 8am-5pm Monday thru Friday. Combine a full work schedule with a boss who thinks that, other than himself, nobody has any errands to attend to, and you have the vacation I enjoyed last week. Had I bothered to write down a schedule in advance, it would have looked like this:

MONDAY

0800-1200 - plumber due to arrive, watch trash television to kill the time

1200-1400 - still waiting for plumber, watch "daytime drama" to kill the time

1500 1530 - plumber arrives but is missing a part; goes to hardware store to purchase

1700 - plumber completes work

TUESDAY

1000 -appointment with veterinarian

1030 - still waiting for veterinarian

1115-1145 - veterinarian's appointment complete. Wait to pay for appointment and three doggie prescriptions.

1200-1215 - light lunch al fresco (read: quarter-pound Big Bite hot dog in the car on the drive home)

1400-1630 - retrieve holiday decorations, assemble tree and disentangle lights, watch re-runs of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares to pass the time. Wish Gordon Ramsay would buy me dinner in one of his restaurants.

WEDNESDAY

0800-1700 - Wait for and supervise plasterers, and then painters, sent to repair damages caused by plumber who occupied all of my time Monday. Watch old movies and re-runs of Gordon Ramsay's The F Word to pass the time. Wish Gordon Ramsay would take me away from All of This.

THURSDAY

0800-1300 - engage in marathon house cleaning that can't possibly be done whilst working two jobs, including but not limited to: washing interior and exterior windows and window treatments, shampoo area rugs, keep dog off wet area rugs, wash and wax kitchen and bathroom floors, keep dog off floors until wax dries, sweep and mop hardwood floors, keep dog off damp hardwood floors and finish assembling holiday decorations. Watch old movies and Speed Channel to pass the time. Wish I could drive a Bugatti Veyron at it's top speed away from All of This.

1430-doctor's appointment

1500 - still waiting for doctor

1530-1545 - wait to pay for doctor

1615-1645 - take blood tests and wait to pay for lab work ordered by doctor

FRIDAY

nothing scheduled - go to shopping mall. Decide holiday shopper volume is too much and wish I would have stayed home and shopped on-line. Spend rest of day in deep depression wondering what happened to my vacation.

Now, I'm not exaggerating; this is actually how I spent my vacation, and I have no doubt that when my next one comes 'round in June, I'll be doing many of the same activities that week as well. But who knows, one of these days I may actually take a proper vacation with real travel, glamor and excitement, just like the ones I saw advertised on the television while I was passing the time. If I'm honest though, I doubt it will ever happen. After all, who would run my errands while I'm gone?

WHOSE COLUMN IS IT, ANYWAY?

Here it is, Thanksgiving week, and because I'm deep in the holiday spirit (read: lazy), there will be no spleen-venting. Instead, I've decided to give thanks to readers of Notes From The Light Side; not only is it tremendous fun for me to write but it's introduced me to some very nice people who appear to be regular readers. Even readers who don't necessarily agree with me seem to enjoy what I have to say enough to keep reading and criticizing me every week.

I think one of the reasons I have readers in the first place is because of on-line magazines. Since I started this column, it's been picked up by several "e-zines", which is quite flattering considering I expected I would be the only person reading this. Most of the e-zines are automated systems that "ping" your blog from time-to-time to check for, then publish updated content (techno-geeks, correct me if that's the wrong description), but of all the e-zines, the one I really pay attention to is a major one whose name you can get if you Google me on the internet. This magazine keeps very thorough stats, telling how many views each article has had, how many times an article has been published electronically by other publishers, how many people have accessed your profile, what reader "rating" each article has received and how many people are redirected to your actual blog to subscribe and, amazingly, all these services are provided absolutely free-of-charge to authors they choose to publish. Another reason I pay attention to it is, as far as I can tell, the only e-magazine that has actual live human beings editing content before publication. Before anything gets published it faces not one but two reviews; "initial" and "quality control". The process can take up to a week to complete, hardly surprising considering the amount of content in their magazine. The editorial staff is efficient of necessity, and are a very intelligent group of individuals, an opinion that has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact they've only kicked two articles back to me for revisions.

As much regard as I have for them though, I was a bit irritated last week when they published my article, Strolling Down Memory Lane... At 55 MPH. You see, I'd specifically tagged this as an "automotive" piece, but in their editorial process, it was changed to "self-improvement". Self-improvement? Nonsense, that wasn't my intent at all; that piece was meant to be about escaping the pressure of everyday existence behind the wheel of a car; the idea of, "clear your mind on the open road as I do" (without sounding quite that silly). I suppose I could have made the automotive angle stronger if I'd written "......behind the wheel of my 2.5 litre, 170 brake horse power 4-door "Limited Edition" with full-time AWD and double wishbone suspension that does 0-60 in 9.7 seconds", but not only would that have spoilt the mood, it would have sounded like I freelanced for Motor Trend in my spare time.

I got quite a bit worked up over the change, thinking, "I know what I was writing about, not them", and wondering if they would have changed the classification from automotive if my name was Billy Bob Huggins, until I realized I was getting worked up over absolutely nothing. Did the magazine change one word of the article? No. Did they change the title? No. All they did was move it to what they thought was a more suitable classification, and, with head bowed I can say they did the right thing. Twenty-four hours after Strolling Down Memory Lane...At 55 MPH was published, it ranked fourth most popular of all my articles, and the "view" numbers continue to grow each day.

The lesson learned is a simple one, each of us has a job to do so let's just get on with it. Their job is to edit, and they've been doing quite nicely for nine years without my interference, thank you. And my job? Easy. All I have to do is shut up and write.


(Notes From The Light Side will return the first week in December.)